If.

If I was skinny and pretty.
I'd behave just like Cara Delevnigne.

Be a classy bitch,
you know... in a good kinda way.

Hey, but I am not.
So I am still the old chubby and insecure me.

Times change.
And I will.

Desperate Schoolgirls.

I just don't know..

I don't want to be a complete failure.
I am so worthless.

I know I've tried.
I hate this, but I fucking still tried.
But what if it's not good enough.
That would end everything.

And I need this.
I need this to get away.
To catch my dreams.

It can't end.
Please don't.
Not another year.

Can you hold me?
Can you fix me, this situation.. Everything?
I know you can't.
Nobody can.
And I just don't know what to do..
I am so desperate.

I need help.
I need this big plan I made up in my head.

I don't know what to do.
I wish I could turn back time.

You know.
I always say 'Everything happens for a reason'
It had a reason.
But now?
What to do?

I don't know what to do else.
Please. Make this nightmare stop.

Box of happiness.

For this year I had a quite good idea:

Whenever you experienced something great,
had a wonderful day,
or just had fun,
write it on a piece of paper.

Put it in a little box.
And on the 31th of december, you open all the letters.
And you see, that no matter how much shit happened, this year was great.

But only put positive ones in the box.
You don't have to remember the bad days.

Yesterday, I put another piece of paper in my little box of happiness.

I wish I could tell you..

I want to tell you everything.
Everything about me.
Everything that made my life a complete mess.
Everything that made my life what it is now.

Everytime I lay in my bed.
I imagine you beside me.

I want you to know the real me.

I want to hear your breath and know everythings alright, because you're there.
Life doesn't always go the ways that we want it to.
But maybe, everything will make sence someday.
Maybe, I'll get my chance.

I'd love to tell you everything.
Even, this.

But, you've got to know.
I'm extremely shy.

I'm so sorry.

Carry you home.

When I was in 6th grade..
there was this song.
I had really big problems.
Ever since I was little.
Always.

'Trouble is her only friend,
and he's back again...'

That's exactly what I felt like.

Music, can do a lot for us.
It's there when no one else is.
When no one understands,
music does.

Your face.

It's your face.
That's what keeps me going.
Keeps me breathing every single day.
Makes me strong.
If I can't do it for myself.
I'll do it for you.
Do it for my future.

This 'Keep smiling'-Picture is what keeps me alive.
It's you.
I feel like I'm dead inside.
Like my dreams are locked in a box.
And they are beating against the walls of this little wooden box inside of me.
I want to let them out.
But not now.
I can't.

Because of them.
Because of what my life is like now.

I'll just keep going.
Keep trying my best.
The better I am, the faster I will get there.

Give me my chance.

Perks of being a wallflower.

Have you ever watched a film,
which changed you?
I did.
Last week.
'Perks of being a wallflower'
What an amazing film.
I understand Charlie.
So much.
And there are things about me, that are just the same.
I know, thats what they want you to think.
But thats so true.
It reminded me of things I've tried to forget for about 10 years.
I never told anyone.

Being a wallflower.
Thats what I am.
Everyone thinks I make friends easily.
I don't.
I'm not the kind of girl who starts talking to others.
I like watching them.
I want to know how they behave.
I see & I understand.

This.. I think.. my film.
Everyone has their own.