Today's the day!

Sorry I haven't been texting for the last couple of days.
But today's the day! :)

Tonight I'll stay with my family.
My friends are on a Party.
I'm invited.
But.. I don't think thats a good idea for me.
My New Year will start an hour later.
British. :)

So,
I wish you all a very fun NYE.
And a happy new year to everyone out there.
May all your wishes for 2013 come true.

Love,
Steffey ♥

Dissatisfaction.

I'm so unsatisfied.
I want to be in London,
I want to have money,
I want to have my beautiful body,
(I know it's hiding somewhere under my fat),
I want to have this amazing job.
I want HIM to be my husband,
and to love me and be loved until the very end.
There's just a lot of things,
that I can't achieve.

I just want to be ME.
With every tiny pore of my body.

Mess.

Why can't it just stop for a minute.
Okay. Maybe for a day.
That would be so nice.
Just when I felt better,
life punches me right in my face.
I'm just not good enough.
I want to throw up.
I'm gonna go back to bed.
Fuck this shit.

Fairytales.

I want to tell you a story,
a story about a man,
who I hardly remember.
I've got a picture.
It shows this biker-guy with some kids of my street and me.
The boy ist sitting on his shoulders,
and he held my friend and me on his arms.
He's smiling.
I like this picture.
The man used to live in my neighbourhood.
I just remember good things.
He once gave a box with lots of little fairytalebooks to me.
These books are still somewhere in my house.
I loved them so much.
When I was about six or seven,
I realized that the guy isn't living around here anymore.
I aked my mum,
if she knew what happened to him.
She told me that some people say,
that he's in prison.

And I still remember,
how I could not understand,
why such a nice man could be in prison.
I still don't know if he really was in prison, or still is.

I think, that we should stop to judge about people,
if we don't know them.
I don't know what this man had done,
I don't know who he really was.
But for me,
he'll always be that nice Biker-guy.

Children don't judge.
Why should we?

Alone.

Christmas alone.
A lot of people fear this.
But you know what?
I'm gonna spend it alone.
And New Year's Eve either.
It's the best option for me.
I don't want to ruin the New Year's Eve of my friends.
Because I'm gonna sit there like
'Great, I'm not in London,
I'm not pretty,
I'm not with the boy I like,
I hate myself'
I don't want to offend anyone of them,
but even with my single friends.
It would turn out that they have some guys to make out
or something and I'm.. just be there sitting alone.
That won't make me any happier.

'Maybe I'll get drunk again,
to feel a little love' - Ed Sheeran, 'Drunk'
(by the way one of my favourite songs)

Look at me now.

Sometimes,
I wonder if all my dreams and hopes can get real.
What if?
If every thing came true.
I think I would be happy but I'd still have problems.
Because life without problems is life without adventure, life without learning.
And that is no life.
Sometimes.
I think if I fail,
I'll try again and again.
But I think,
that you can't try forever.
At some point, everybody looses hope.

I think too much about my future.
I just should go and create it.
Because if you look at me now,
I am not at all who I want to be.

Things get weird.

Don't we all feel a little fucked up sometimes?
I need to change,
everything needs to change.
Right now.
I want to be the real me.
The me thats inside of me.
Get it out.
Show them all that I can.
I just feel lost in the present.
I don't know how to handle things.
It's too much right now.
A little help would be great.

'I stare at my reflection in the mirror,
why am I doing this to myself?'
Jessie J - Who you are