Today's the day!

Sorry I haven't been texting for the last couple of days.
But today's the day! :)

Tonight I'll stay with my family.
My friends are on a Party.
I'm invited.
But.. I don't think thats a good idea for me.
My New Year will start an hour later.
British. :)

So,
I wish you all a very fun NYE.
And a happy new year to everyone out there.
May all your wishes for 2013 come true.

Love,
Steffey ♥

Dissatisfaction.

I'm so unsatisfied.
I want to be in London,
I want to have money,
I want to have my beautiful body,
(I know it's hiding somewhere under my fat),
I want to have this amazing job.
I want HIM to be my husband,
and to love me and be loved until the very end.
There's just a lot of things,
that I can't achieve.

I just want to be ME.
With every tiny pore of my body.

Mess.

Why can't it just stop for a minute.
Okay. Maybe for a day.
That would be so nice.
Just when I felt better,
life punches me right in my face.
I'm just not good enough.
I want to throw up.
I'm gonna go back to bed.
Fuck this shit.

Fairytales.

I want to tell you a story,
a story about a man,
who I hardly remember.
I've got a picture.
It shows this biker-guy with some kids of my street and me.
The boy ist sitting on his shoulders,
and he held my friend and me on his arms.
He's smiling.
I like this picture.
The man used to live in my neighbourhood.
I just remember good things.
He once gave a box with lots of little fairytalebooks to me.
These books are still somewhere in my house.
I loved them so much.
When I was about six or seven,
I realized that the guy isn't living around here anymore.
I aked my mum,
if she knew what happened to him.
She told me that some people say,
that he's in prison.

And I still remember,
how I could not understand,
why such a nice man could be in prison.
I still don't know if he really was in prison, or still is.

I think, that we should stop to judge about people,
if we don't know them.
I don't know what this man had done,
I don't know who he really was.
But for me,
he'll always be that nice Biker-guy.

Children don't judge.
Why should we?

Alone.

Christmas alone.
A lot of people fear this.
But you know what?
I'm gonna spend it alone.
And New Year's Eve either.
It's the best option for me.
I don't want to ruin the New Year's Eve of my friends.
Because I'm gonna sit there like
'Great, I'm not in London,
I'm not pretty,
I'm not with the boy I like,
I hate myself'
I don't want to offend anyone of them,
but even with my single friends.
It would turn out that they have some guys to make out
or something and I'm.. just be there sitting alone.
That won't make me any happier.

'Maybe I'll get drunk again,
to feel a little love' - Ed Sheeran, 'Drunk'
(by the way one of my favourite songs)

Look at me now.

Sometimes,
I wonder if all my dreams and hopes can get real.
What if?
If every thing came true.
I think I would be happy but I'd still have problems.
Because life without problems is life without adventure, life without learning.
And that is no life.
Sometimes.
I think if I fail,
I'll try again and again.
But I think,
that you can't try forever.
At some point, everybody looses hope.

I think too much about my future.
I just should go and create it.
Because if you look at me now,
I am not at all who I want to be.

Things get weird.

Don't we all feel a little fucked up sometimes?
I need to change,
everything needs to change.
Right now.
I want to be the real me.
The me thats inside of me.
Get it out.
Show them all that I can.
I just feel lost in the present.
I don't know how to handle things.
It's too much right now.
A little help would be great.

'I stare at my reflection in the mirror,
why am I doing this to myself?'
Jessie J - Who you are

Friends.

I love those friends,
who are beside you,
no matter what is wrong.

And there's a huge difference between best friends an 'just' friends.
Best Friends are closer to each other,
they tell you the truth.
They laugh at you if you fall.
But if something really bad happens,
they are always right beside you.

I got the best friends in the world.

HEART

Your voice in my ear.
My heart races.
You make me so weak.
I just don't know why and how you got me.
But I dream about you all the time.
I JUST REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!
Please make this weird feeling stop.
Come over and make me happy.
Give me the chance.
It would be worth it!

Make it stop.

There are so many people, 

who just need to shut the fuck up.
It's hard.
But sometime,
it's really enough.
I don't like smelly people.
I don't like people who make digusting noises.
I don't like people who can't behave at all.
I think that I have every right, to dislike these people.
And sometimes,
I just want them to shut their mouth.
Just for ten minutes.
I can't stand this anymore.

Passion.

Passion running through my veins
when I think of my future.
When I think of fashion.
I know I can make my dreams come true.
Because I wan't to.
And I'll never give up.
Living in the city I love,
doing the job that I love,
with the guy that I love.
Repeat after me:
I can do this!

Trust me,
you really can.

'Do it with passion,
or do it not at all.'

Just saying.

I'm looking at myself in the mirror.
I am so unbelievably fat,
there is nothing pretty.
Even my character is not good enough.
I am lazy,
I suck at school,
I can't wear the clothes I want,
because I don't have enough money,
and even if I had,
I'd never fit in them.
Even daydreaming hurts.
Because I don't know how to get the guy
who's locked in my head.
I just want him right here,
right now.
I want his kisses.

I don't want any compassion.
I don't want you to tell me, that I'm not.
You can't see me, like I see myself.
So your nice words won't change anything.
I hope I have the strength to loose weight.
That would be amazing.
Just saying.

Chance

I want to get the chance to meet you,
without being nervous and akward.
I want to have some time with you.
All the time that it'll take.
I want you to get to know me.
I just want this chance.
But how?

I miss you.

I am thinking of you London.
I can't sleep.
I don't know what to do.
I miss you so much.
I started crying.
You shouldn't start every sentence with 'I'. I know:
But I just can tell you about me.
So that's alright with me.

I remember when we got our luggage.
And I felt like a little child.
I danced and laughed.
I wasn't able to realize that it happened.
That I'm now in London.

London, I miss you.
It felt like home.
It was very hard to leave you,
but you know, that I'll come again.
And as soon as I can.
I'll stay.

Thank you London.
You made me.

Understanding.

I don't think you understand.
That's sad.
Because when there's no one understanding,
there is no one I can talk to.
If there's no one I can talk to,
I will stop talking to people.
Because I know they don't care.
I'll keep it as a secret.
So, for now,
I feel lost,
I feel alone.

I'll better just go for my dreams, and start
giving a shit about other people.
Because no one is understanding.
And I don't feel like somebody ever will.

Type of guy.

He is the type of guy i wanna marry.
Actually,
he's like me, I think.
It looks like it is.
It would be incredible.
So, um.. actually,
he's the guy i want to marry.

Who you are.

So Mister,
I just found out wich kind of guy I like.
Not the sexiest one.
Not the smartest one.
Not the most charming one.
I like you.
Because you are different,
because you are special.
That's all I want.
I don't like ordinary people.
Thats what I love about you.
You make me smile,
you make me feel better.
You give me goosebumps.
And I'm addicted.

Imperfection is beauty.

Look at yourself.
What do you see?
Do you like it?
Is that what you call beautiful?
What if you gain weight,
what if you loose some?
Look at your skin.
Is it soft and radiant?
Like what you see in the magazines?
It is not real.
NO ONE is perfect.
They might be beautiful,
but the only beautiful thing is imperfection.
That's what makes the difference.
Diversity.

Love love love.

I'd love to love you.
In every kind of way.
Darling,
you're so smart,
so wonderful,
so handsome and so sexy.
So get your clothes off & come closer.
Let me love you.

Daydreamer.

Everybody does it.
You're sitting around
and you start dreaming..
start getting lost.
I always daydream about you.
And now I even dream
about you when I walk,
when I talk to others..
While eating.
I'm dreaming about you all the time.
Every single second.
Please release me.
Not in the usual way.
Come over here,
and make all those dreams real.

Mirror.

So you think you're better than me?
Have you ever looked at yourself?
You're just thinking you're intelligent.
But sweetie,
intelligence has nothing to do with what you are.
You're not charming,
you aren't kind.
Actually,
you're a bitch.

Give me...

Give me time to be happy.
Give me time to sleep.
Give me time to live.
Give me time to love.
Gibe me time to laugh.
How to do all at once?
Give me some time with you. ♥

When I sleep.

I dream of you.
You gave me the strongest feeling that I ever had.
I was so unbeliveably happy.
I want to hold you forever.
Only you.
I don't care what all the others think.
I think that you're the right one.
The right one to love.

But you're just too far away.
But somehow,
I'm gonna find you.
I will get my very own happy ever after.

This is to you.
You're pure magic to me.

Reality.

I want to be who I really am.
Show them how I feel.
Show them the girl I am inside.
But that takes time.
Too much time.
I just don't know how to get there.
I will fight.
With everything I am.

I just can hope for the best.