Care.

Everything crashes down.

I'm so scared of losing myself.
I don't want scars.

But I scratch my arms.
If somebody asks.. they were itching.
I had some stupid ideas.
I fell.
The cat. Whatever.

I'm not a attentionseeking whore.
If I did it for the attention, I'd cut my face.

Stop telling sad girls that they are attentionseekers.
They aren't. And you know it.

Funny. Society is blind to the things it does to us.
Even funnier. We are society. WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES!

Don't judge.
Don't hate. It's difficult.
But just care.
Care.

Since then.

Since then I have changed a lot.

I've become more of what I am.
I know a lot more about myself.
I have lost friends,
I have found new ones.

And I think.. life is totally different.

My best friends are great.
They like me. And I don't even have a clue why.
They do.
They are there when I really need them.
They are what friends should be.

Back then, I thougt I knew what real friendship felt like.
But I was mistaken.
Friends don't judge you.
Friends don't want you to feel down.
Friends want you to feel good.
Friends respect you.

THEY CARE!

You know what?
If you're sad.
Write me a  comment. Or a private message.
I'll answer. Anytime.
If you need a friend.

You fix me.

Did you know..

That you are like a plaster?
You protect my wounds.
You make them heal.

I thank you so much. For every little thing you've done for me.

I want to tell the world.. that I'm a very broken girl.
But I have the best friends in the world. That will do anything to help me.

And I'm so thankful.
They know me at my worst and at my best.
They are there. Always.

I love you. I'd do anything for you.
This is for my best friends.

No one could ever replace you! ♥

Fucking life...

I haven't been blogging for a whole lot of time.

I'm sitting on my bed.
I'm feeling very miserable.

It's so nice that my friends tell me that I'm pretty.
But everytime I look in the mirror I think I'm ugly.
With a lot of make up. I feel a lot more comfortable.
But... with 'naked' skin.
I see all those blemishes.
I look like a really ugly monster.

I'm so sorry to say that.
But thats how I feel.

I feel stupid, ugly and unlovable.
Yeah. With my kind of problems I'm always annoying people.

And it's sick. But.. when a friendship is too good to be true.
You are always scared that something goes wrong.
That everything was - like usual - just imagination.

I'm the one that loves more.
Always.
I feel like it.

Last night.
I cried a lot.

I don't know what to feel anymore.
I'm unsatisfied. With everything in my fucking life.

Crying all day, crying all night.

This feeling.
I don't know what it is.
But I felt like crying every single minute of this week.
I cry a lot.
Not the whole time.
But now?
All I can think about are things that are making me sad.
I miss London.
I miss my friends. I miss my best friend.
I feel so miserable when I look in the mirror.
And I cry.
I look like a freakin zombie.
Pale, frizzy hair and dead eyes.
I am scared.
Scared of whats to come.
This is going too fast.
I want to get out.
Now.
So I cry. And I cry.
I am crying all day, and crying all night.

Kryptonite.

I don't want this to become a music-blog..But sometimes... a little music won't hurt.

And here it is, my kryptonite..
Men.
British.
Musicians.
Tattooed.
Remarkably different from whats 'normal'.

That. Exactly that is what makes me weak as shit.
Sorry, I'm not sorry.

Thank's to this awesome guy.

That's the perfect song right now. I should sing this in front of all those people on my graduation day.

Paranoid.

Sometimes.
I think those things.
Like my friends don't like me.

Like they talk bad about me.
That's sick.
I know.
But.. This has happenend to me so many times.

Am I just cautious?

Am I jealous?
I really don't know.

I think I'm a really bad friend.
And I'm sorry.
I don't want to get hurt again.

I don't want to be the one left again.
Do you know what I mean?

I love you..
But there were too many bad experiences..

It's all lies.

I'm not ugly?
Sorry, I have a mirror.

I'm not annoying you?
Then why do you treat me like I do?

I'm not dumb?
Then tell me why I study and put all my power into something and fail?

I'm not a loser?
Tell me, what did I win?

I'm not a failure?
Then why do I have all these problems?



Stop telling me I'm not and then treat me like I am.

Under Pressure.

To succeed is what I want,

and what I need.

I don't want straight A's
I just want to pass these stupid exams.

I don't want to be the big failure.
I'm gonna disappoint myself, my parents, and everyone.

People will be talking,
'Yeah, she never could do anything properly,
there was always trouble.. She's such a lazy, fat, dumb girl'

Let me pass. That's enough.
I don't want to be a loser.

If this pressure won't stop,

I will.

Self-destructive

I don't know why,
but why are women so self-destructive?

They overthink everything and turn something unimportant to the biggest problem the ever had..
until then..

If we hear someones talking shit about us, we want to know who and what.
Even everyone knows it's crap.. we still feel bad.

We keep focussed on the bad things that happend.

WHY, just WHY can't we be happy little girls?

Amazing

My heartbeat's racing.
My hands feel like shaking.
In my stomach there are hundrets of butterflies.
My eyes are 'bout to cry.

I don't really know how to deal with this.
That's it.
That's the point.

Videos.

It's like you give me something,
so wonderful.
And then you take it away.

Do you want me to chase it?

Are you telling me that there are opportunities for me?

Or is this just torture?
I don't know.

These butterflies inside me, make me wanna vomit.
Because I don't know how to feel.

I just hope, there'll be an happy end.

A chance.

Could you give me a chance?
Please, I beg you.

I can't stand this.
And even if I have to wait a few years,
that'll be ok with me.

But please.
Give me,
give love a chance.

Fat Monster.

I hate it.
I eat. And I eat.
I know I should not.
And whatever it is,
it makes me want to throw up.
It really does.

I can't do it.
I don't want to know the fact, that I have become this far.
But I hate everything as it is now.

Everytime I eat, I eat, and I eat.
And then?
This feeling.
It just needs to get out.
I don't want to be that fat monster anymore.

I want to be who I am inside.
I am still trapped in that disgusting body.
This isn't me.

I tried to stop eating. I can't.
And I'm afraid of sports. No one should see me.
I don't want people to see this.
And I don't want myself to hear all those mean comments.
But you know, they're right.

Fat, disgusting pig.
Look in this mirror.

You shouldn't be eating.
Stop it. Ok?
Stop it. Forever.

If.

If I was skinny and pretty.
I'd behave just like Cara Delevnigne.

Be a classy bitch,
you know... in a good kinda way.

Hey, but I am not.
So I am still the old chubby and insecure me.

Times change.
And I will.

Desperate Schoolgirls.

I just don't know..

I don't want to be a complete failure.
I am so worthless.

I know I've tried.
I hate this, but I fucking still tried.
But what if it's not good enough.
That would end everything.

And I need this.
I need this to get away.
To catch my dreams.

It can't end.
Please don't.
Not another year.

Can you hold me?
Can you fix me, this situation.. Everything?
I know you can't.
Nobody can.
And I just don't know what to do..
I am so desperate.

I need help.
I need this big plan I made up in my head.

I don't know what to do.
I wish I could turn back time.

You know.
I always say 'Everything happens for a reason'
It had a reason.
But now?
What to do?

I don't know what to do else.
Please. Make this nightmare stop.

Box of happiness.

For this year I had a quite good idea:

Whenever you experienced something great,
had a wonderful day,
or just had fun,
write it on a piece of paper.

Put it in a little box.
And on the 31th of december, you open all the letters.
And you see, that no matter how much shit happened, this year was great.

But only put positive ones in the box.
You don't have to remember the bad days.

Yesterday, I put another piece of paper in my little box of happiness.

I wish I could tell you..

I want to tell you everything.
Everything about me.
Everything that made my life a complete mess.
Everything that made my life what it is now.

Everytime I lay in my bed.
I imagine you beside me.

I want you to know the real me.

I want to hear your breath and know everythings alright, because you're there.
Life doesn't always go the ways that we want it to.
But maybe, everything will make sence someday.
Maybe, I'll get my chance.

I'd love to tell you everything.
Even, this.

But, you've got to know.
I'm extremely shy.

I'm so sorry.

Carry you home.

When I was in 6th grade..
there was this song.
I had really big problems.
Ever since I was little.
Always.

'Trouble is her only friend,
and he's back again...'

That's exactly what I felt like.

Music, can do a lot for us.
It's there when no one else is.
When no one understands,
music does.

Your face.

It's your face.
That's what keeps me going.
Keeps me breathing every single day.
Makes me strong.
If I can't do it for myself.
I'll do it for you.
Do it for my future.

This 'Keep smiling'-Picture is what keeps me alive.
It's you.
I feel like I'm dead inside.
Like my dreams are locked in a box.
And they are beating against the walls of this little wooden box inside of me.
I want to let them out.
But not now.
I can't.

Because of them.
Because of what my life is like now.

I'll just keep going.
Keep trying my best.
The better I am, the faster I will get there.

Give me my chance.

Perks of being a wallflower.

Have you ever watched a film,
which changed you?
I did.
Last week.
'Perks of being a wallflower'
What an amazing film.
I understand Charlie.
So much.
And there are things about me, that are just the same.
I know, thats what they want you to think.
But thats so true.
It reminded me of things I've tried to forget for about 10 years.
I never told anyone.

Being a wallflower.
Thats what I am.
Everyone thinks I make friends easily.
I don't.
I'm not the kind of girl who starts talking to others.
I like watching them.
I want to know how they behave.
I see & I understand.

This.. I think.. my film.
Everyone has their own.

Be my Husband.

I want to show you who I am.
I really want you to know me.

I want my chance.
Someday, I just don't know how,
I will have.

I hope it won't be too late.

When I think of it,
it makes my heart race.
My whole body starts to glow.
You make me smile,
at my darkest moments,
you still make me smile.

I want to be honestly happy with you.
And I want to be that shining, sparkling, loud and funny person,
that I actually am.

I just want a chance to show you.
Trust me.
I'm not just that sad girl.
I am a lot more.

Weeks.

It's sunday.
The day of thinking.
For some of you, it's the day of relaxing.
But for me,
It's the day of horror.
I am thinking of the coming week.
Everything that I need to do.
Everything I hate.
Mostly these things seem to be the same.

Why am I doing something I don't like?
I don't know.
Why are people doing this?
I don't want to disappoint my parents - again.
I want to earn some money..
I think this is not the worst job.
But.. I can't do this forever.

As soon as I can afford it.
I will start apply.
For what I really want.
But I first have to move.
This will be really expensive.

I need to do this.
I will not fail.
There is no choice.

Everyone reading this.
Could you please think of me?
Wish me luck. Please.

Don't start something you don't like,
it will just make you unhappy.

Torture.

Last night I dreamed of you.
It was wonderful.
It felt so real.

Could you do me a favor?
Stop this pain.

It's killing me.
I want to do something I like.
I want to be the person I want to be.
I want you.

I don't know how.
Get me away from here.

Every second more is torture.

Fairytale.

I'm like Shrek.
I want a little more than I deserve.
I deserve the best.
But you're still better.
It's weird if I call you Fiona, because you're a guy.
But would you please be my Fiona?
Be my prince who loves me just as I am.
Yes, it's all dreams.
It's my wish.
I dare to dream.
And maybe you're hoping for a fairytale too?

These looks.

This moment,
when you feel naked.
At the clothing store,
waiting for your friend to come out of the cabin.
Looking for matching clothes.
I can feel people staring at me.
'What is SHE doing here?'
I feel how shop assistants look at me.
They don't want me in their stores.
I'm scum.
Even at the men's department.
They have this particular 'you are disgusting' look in their eyes.
That just hurts so much.
When people say 'You're some pretty girls' to my friends,
and in know exactly that they exclude me.
I'm just disturbing.
These guys flirt with my friends,
and I'm always standing there like. 'Hey, I know I'm ugly and fat, nice to meet you too'
Why do you guys always ask me why I never join you when you're going out?
Isn't it obvious?
Do you REALLY believe, when I tell you, I'm not in the mood?
When I say, I'm not the party type?
I really love to party.
But I always stopped people from having fun.
I'm the ugly friend.
And I don't want to go out, because I don't want to end up feeling like shit!
After these moments, I spend nights crying.
I hate this.
I hate me.
I need to be myself.
Couldn't there be an instant fat loss?
A huge weight loss?

You shouldn't care what others think.
But if they don't stop treating like you're a third class person (or just like shit),
you can't ignore them.
And actually, I'm not mad at people.
I just agree with them.
But I think they could be a little nicer.

Wrong. Right. Thinking.

It's wrong.
But how can it feel so right?

It's unhealthy thinking.
There's such a low chance.
But I think, that this is different.
It feels different this time.
Like... it was just made for me.
Like you were made for me.

And you know.
I won't stop believing in my other dreams.
So why should I give up on this one?

You never know what might happen.

Whatever they say,
I know I can.
I know I will.

There's just no 'No'.

I know it's wrong.
But it feels so right.

You.

I am thinking about you now.
Right now.
I just don't know how.
I think we might just.. fit very well.
I think about you all the time.
I just can't stand the fact, that you don't know me at all.
I just want to get my chance.
It'll take some time for me.
But if you were just able to wait for me.
But how could you know?
No one ever tells.

When I try to sleep,
I always imagine laying on your chest an hearing your heartbeat.
I honestly don't want anyone else.
It's you.

It's strange,
but I know... it's you.

Good night to you.

If you just knew...

Post-it.

Theres a Post-It on my heart.
It says your name.

Definition.

Who defines what's possible and what's not?
You shouldn't tell children to stop dreaming.
To stop believing in their dreams.
It defines childhood.
Remember your dreams.
If you're talented and passionate,
you can go anywhere.
Passion is the most important thing in life.
Don't be afraid.
They will tell you that you're crazy.
But you're not.
You're just smarter than them.

You'll make it.
If you really want to,
you can go anywhere.

And trust me,
you will.
Believe in yourself.
Let them laugh. 



Thanks to my very special friends.
Thank you for believing in me.
I love you! ♥

Blowing in the wind.

I feel like drowning.
I can't breathe.
Everything out there seems so unreal.

I've messed things up.
Not as usual.
In the hardcore way.
I feel like crying.
But there aren't any tears left.
It's like I'm empty.
And I feel empty.

HOW can I achieve what I want?
I just don't know what happend.
It just broke.
Everything broke.

I want to run away.
Honestly.
It would be..
like running away from all this sick thoughts.

Life's like a chart room.
And someone has just blown very strongly.

Which way to go?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

'The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind,
the answer is blowing in the wind.' Bob Dylan - Blowing In The Wind

Picturebox.

Everytime I open a foto with you on it.
It is always the same feeling.
'Hey, why can't you just marry me?'
You are just so not my type.
But I really like you in every possible way.

Thats so sick.
and just a second after this huge feeling appeared in my heart,
there comes another.
It's sadness.
You would never.
Why should you?

Tears start pouring.
Another two seconds later,
I force myself to stop.

And then,
theres just this big
NOTHING,
right inside of me.

Love! Love? Love...

I think every girl does this.
Dreaming of her crush.
Dreaming of real love.

I didn't believe in love for a long time.
And I regret doing it now.
If you don't expect to be loved,
there's less pain and less drama.
But on the other hand,
dreaming of love is wonderful.
But you need to awake.

I don't like liking someone.
In the end,
it justs makes me sad.

But do you know what?
Laying on your chest,
so I can hear your voice 'from inside'.
Thats one of the most wonderfullest things I can imagine.