Be my Husband.

I want to show you who I am.
I really want you to know me.

I want my chance.
Someday, I just don't know how,
I will have.

I hope it won't be too late.

When I think of it,
it makes my heart race.
My whole body starts to glow.
You make me smile,
at my darkest moments,
you still make me smile.

I want to be honestly happy with you.
And I want to be that shining, sparkling, loud and funny person,
that I actually am.

I just want a chance to show you.
Trust me.
I'm not just that sad girl.
I am a lot more.

Weeks.

It's sunday.
The day of thinking.
For some of you, it's the day of relaxing.
But for me,
It's the day of horror.
I am thinking of the coming week.
Everything that I need to do.
Everything I hate.
Mostly these things seem to be the same.

Why am I doing something I don't like?
I don't know.
Why are people doing this?
I don't want to disappoint my parents - again.
I want to earn some money..
I think this is not the worst job.
But.. I can't do this forever.

As soon as I can afford it.
I will start apply.
For what I really want.
But I first have to move.
This will be really expensive.

I need to do this.
I will not fail.
There is no choice.

Everyone reading this.
Could you please think of me?
Wish me luck. Please.

Don't start something you don't like,
it will just make you unhappy.

Torture.

Last night I dreamed of you.
It was wonderful.
It felt so real.

Could you do me a favor?
Stop this pain.

It's killing me.
I want to do something I like.
I want to be the person I want to be.
I want you.

I don't know how.
Get me away from here.

Every second more is torture.

Fairytale.

I'm like Shrek.
I want a little more than I deserve.
I deserve the best.
But you're still better.
It's weird if I call you Fiona, because you're a guy.
But would you please be my Fiona?
Be my prince who loves me just as I am.
Yes, it's all dreams.
It's my wish.
I dare to dream.
And maybe you're hoping for a fairytale too?

These looks.

This moment,
when you feel naked.
At the clothing store,
waiting for your friend to come out of the cabin.
Looking for matching clothes.
I can feel people staring at me.
'What is SHE doing here?'
I feel how shop assistants look at me.
They don't want me in their stores.
I'm scum.
Even at the men's department.
They have this particular 'you are disgusting' look in their eyes.
That just hurts so much.
When people say 'You're some pretty girls' to my friends,
and in know exactly that they exclude me.
I'm just disturbing.
These guys flirt with my friends,
and I'm always standing there like. 'Hey, I know I'm ugly and fat, nice to meet you too'
Why do you guys always ask me why I never join you when you're going out?
Isn't it obvious?
Do you REALLY believe, when I tell you, I'm not in the mood?
When I say, I'm not the party type?
I really love to party.
But I always stopped people from having fun.
I'm the ugly friend.
And I don't want to go out, because I don't want to end up feeling like shit!
After these moments, I spend nights crying.
I hate this.
I hate me.
I need to be myself.
Couldn't there be an instant fat loss?
A huge weight loss?

You shouldn't care what others think.
But if they don't stop treating like you're a third class person (or just like shit),
you can't ignore them.
And actually, I'm not mad at people.
I just agree with them.
But I think they could be a little nicer.